Time to man up!

A lot has been running through my head today. I was in the swimming pool earlier and I just had some light bulbs go off. Someone I know recently deleted me on facebook. I wasn't really bothered by it because we hadn't been that big of friends, but what she told me kind of stuck around. She told me I was to negative and that I needed to get my "shit" together. Now that part is nothing that I haven't heard before. The next part is what hit me. She also said that It's time to man up and take control and that she wasn't going to come in and try to rescue me like others do. At first I didn't know exactly how to take it. Then today it hit me. I have created this atmosphere on my facebook page that anytime I post something on there, it is almost to see the reaction I will get. It's like I do it intentionally, to see what rise I will get out of people...shock value. I didn't believe it till I realized today that I believe I have been carrying what I would call a victim mentality around. My former friend was right...it's time to man up. I have two choices staring me in the face. I can continue doing what I have been doing and remain a "victim", or I can take control of things and become something.
I realized today that I'm tired of sitting around expecting people to just coddle me and be my therapist. Yes, I'm owning up to my own doings and saying enough is enough. I have a choice to make...it's time to own up to everything I have done and take responsibility. No one else is going to do it for me. So, with God's help, I'm going to become something. I'm going to do something with myself, I am going after my dreams. Me, yes me, myself and I, are going to take the bull by the horns and go after life. What does that mean for me?
Well, here's a list:
1. Become spiritually alive again
2. College Degree
3. My career/ministry
4. Getting on my own..my own house or apartment
5. Get out of Debt
6. IF it is God's will....get married.
7. Travel! Travel! Travel!

That's a small list. I'm sure I can think of other things as I go. I think #1 is a good place to start. Anyways,
that is all I have. I am considering deleting my facebook page. Not for a bad reason, but really to wipe the slate clean with all my crappy posts. I would make a new one....a clean slate. I'm up in the air on that though.
TTFN!

I really need to blog more.....

     A few days ago I posted something on Facebook, and a firestorm insued. I admit I was being negative about marriage. Then I decided that I would be picky about a wife with my standards. I've had a few days to think about this. Here's my thoughts......

     I remember the concert. It was the day I first seen Rebecca St. James. It was a true love waits event in the park. Me and several other boys got a crush on this Australian. Her message was simple...wait. From that point on I began to think about my future wife a lot. I was trying to be the best husband I could be...then. I decided that since I wasn't old enough to marry...I wouldn't date till I was 18. My goal was to give my dream girl...everything I possibly could. My hope even was to have her be the only girl I dated and kissed. I know..that's a lot. However, my thoughts began to go like this...We trust God to provide, to direct our path, to show us the way, to be there, to give us direction in every aspect of our lives. I began to believe that if God can point us to a career, he could point me to my wife. I didn't want to have to tell my wife how many girls I have kissed, slept with, etc. I wanted it to be just her. How many people can say that? Growing up in youth, the idea was to be pure. The hope was to no just give away yourself, but get someone who also saved themselves.  The "v" word as I have heard it called is a big thing. Its something you can never get back. I believe it is a really awesome thing to give away on your wedding night. I haven't done it yet, but I've heard it is. 

     Let's fast forward a few years...almost 20. I'm 37 now. I can't give my wife (if she's out there) everything I had hoped to. However, I can say that if I have a wedding night, she will be the only one I've been with. At my age that is a rarity...like finding a fossil. It's not been easy. To this day, If I am to marry, I hold onto the dream of finding someone who has never been with someone else. For many reasons. Again, it will mean probably marrying someone 10 years younger or finding a rare gem. I made some people upset when I said I wouldn't take anybody who missed the mark. There are reasons I will be picky. Let's start with the first...when my wife and I are together...she will not have to worry about me comparing her to an "x". Likewise, I won't have to wonder what she is thinking. Secondly, 

My first girlfriend was married before and had a kid. I was constantly having to deal with the x husband being around. They were still friends...who hung around a lot. Then there's the innocent bystanderd in these things...the kid. When theirs kids involved....it can be tough. I loved that kid. I wad ready to take him as my own. Then we broke up. It was hard on me because it was like a double breakup. After her, the next two girls I liked and tried to pursue had daughters. We were friends...nothing ever happened...but I got attached to the kids. For awhile, I thought maybe I'd end up with a single mother...because God could use a guy like me to show women who messed up...there's hope. I thought that year's ago. 

However, After awhile and being hurt...I said God...it's not my thing.  I love kids...but I want my own. Third Reason....very simply....I can be. You hear all the time...that guys always want virgins...even though they messed around. Those guys are a waste of time.

They have no right to demand a virgin...because they themselves are not. It's called hypocrisy. I can however. To me, what I have to give is a precious, really expensive gift.

It's not something everyone has. It's mine to give. I'm giving up something big....and in return get what? I have the right to be picky.  Just like she does. There are other things I am picky about, but being this is what the discussion on fb was about...thought I'd hit on it.

I am not meaning to hurt anyone and make them feel any less of a person. I believe that yes God does send "good" ones to those who missed the mark to show his grace. In that conversation, I at times felt ashamed of the fact that I was a virgin and wanting one. Here, I am..kept myself clean, and feeling guilty for it? After all, that's what true love waits was about.

    Here's my final thoughts. I was talking to a great friend and he had this to say..."when it comes to your standards on who you will and won't marry....it's between you, her, and God." In the end, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. So from now on...I won't discuss my standards on the right one.