Time to man up!

A lot has been running through my head today. I was in the swimming pool earlier and I just had some light bulbs go off. Someone I know recently deleted me on facebook. I wasn't really bothered by it because we hadn't been that big of friends, but what she told me kind of stuck around. She told me I was to negative and that I needed to get my "shit" together. Now that part is nothing that I haven't heard before. The next part is what hit me. She also said that It's time to man up and take control and that she wasn't going to come in and try to rescue me like others do. At first I didn't know exactly how to take it. Then today it hit me. I have created this atmosphere on my facebook page that anytime I post something on there, it is almost to see the reaction I will get. It's like I do it intentionally, to see what rise I will get out of people...shock value. I didn't believe it till I realized today that I believe I have been carrying what I would call a victim mentality around. My former friend was right...it's time to man up. I have two choices staring me in the face. I can continue doing what I have been doing and remain a "victim", or I can take control of things and become something.
I realized today that I'm tired of sitting around expecting people to just coddle me and be my therapist. Yes, I'm owning up to my own doings and saying enough is enough. I have a choice to make...it's time to own up to everything I have done and take responsibility. No one else is going to do it for me. So, with God's help, I'm going to become something. I'm going to do something with myself, I am going after my dreams. Me, yes me, myself and I, are going to take the bull by the horns and go after life. What does that mean for me?
Well, here's a list:
1. Become spiritually alive again
2. College Degree
3. My career/ministry
4. Getting on my own..my own house or apartment
5. Get out of Debt
6. IF it is God's will....get married.
7. Travel! Travel! Travel!

That's a small list. I'm sure I can think of other things as I go. I think #1 is a good place to start. Anyways,
that is all I have. I am considering deleting my facebook page. Not for a bad reason, but really to wipe the slate clean with all my crappy posts. I would make a new one....a clean slate. I'm up in the air on that though.
TTFN!

I really need to blog more.....

     A few days ago I posted something on Facebook, and a firestorm insued. I admit I was being negative about marriage. Then I decided that I would be picky about a wife with my standards. I've had a few days to think about this. Here's my thoughts......

     I remember the concert. It was the day I first seen Rebecca St. James. It was a true love waits event in the park. Me and several other boys got a crush on this Australian. Her message was simple...wait. From that point on I began to think about my future wife a lot. I was trying to be the best husband I could be...then. I decided that since I wasn't old enough to marry...I wouldn't date till I was 18. My goal was to give my dream girl...everything I possibly could. My hope even was to have her be the only girl I dated and kissed. I know..that's a lot. However, my thoughts began to go like this...We trust God to provide, to direct our path, to show us the way, to be there, to give us direction in every aspect of our lives. I began to believe that if God can point us to a career, he could point me to my wife. I didn't want to have to tell my wife how many girls I have kissed, slept with, etc. I wanted it to be just her. How many people can say that? Growing up in youth, the idea was to be pure. The hope was to no just give away yourself, but get someone who also saved themselves.  The "v" word as I have heard it called is a big thing. Its something you can never get back. I believe it is a really awesome thing to give away on your wedding night. I haven't done it yet, but I've heard it is. 

     Let's fast forward a few years...almost 20. I'm 37 now. I can't give my wife (if she's out there) everything I had hoped to. However, I can say that if I have a wedding night, she will be the only one I've been with. At my age that is a rarity...like finding a fossil. It's not been easy. To this day, If I am to marry, I hold onto the dream of finding someone who has never been with someone else. For many reasons. Again, it will mean probably marrying someone 10 years younger or finding a rare gem. I made some people upset when I said I wouldn't take anybody who missed the mark. There are reasons I will be picky. Let's start with the first...when my wife and I are together...she will not have to worry about me comparing her to an "x". Likewise, I won't have to wonder what she is thinking. Secondly, 

My first girlfriend was married before and had a kid. I was constantly having to deal with the x husband being around. They were still friends...who hung around a lot. Then there's the innocent bystanderd in these things...the kid. When theirs kids involved....it can be tough. I loved that kid. I wad ready to take him as my own. Then we broke up. It was hard on me because it was like a double breakup. After her, the next two girls I liked and tried to pursue had daughters. We were friends...nothing ever happened...but I got attached to the kids. For awhile, I thought maybe I'd end up with a single mother...because God could use a guy like me to show women who messed up...there's hope. I thought that year's ago. 

However, After awhile and being hurt...I said God...it's not my thing.  I love kids...but I want my own. Third Reason....very simply....I can be. You hear all the time...that guys always want virgins...even though they messed around. Those guys are a waste of time.

They have no right to demand a virgin...because they themselves are not. It's called hypocrisy. I can however. To me, what I have to give is a precious, really expensive gift.

It's not something everyone has. It's mine to give. I'm giving up something big....and in return get what? I have the right to be picky.  Just like she does. There are other things I am picky about, but being this is what the discussion on fb was about...thought I'd hit on it.

I am not meaning to hurt anyone and make them feel any less of a person. I believe that yes God does send "good" ones to those who missed the mark to show his grace. In that conversation, I at times felt ashamed of the fact that I was a virgin and wanting one. Here, I am..kept myself clean, and feeling guilty for it? After all, that's what true love waits was about.

    Here's my final thoughts. I was talking to a great friend and he had this to say..."when it comes to your standards on who you will and won't marry....it's between you, her, and God." In the end, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. So from now on...I won't discuss my standards on the right one.

The story I find myself in....

Just know realized it has been over 10 months since I have blogged anything.  Reading my last blog, I had just made some decisions that I thought were going to lead to new and exciting things. I would love to be able to say that I was at a place that was bringing me joy and life.

I sit here remembering the days when i had dreams of getting married and having kids. Just the other day my family was at the house talking about more grandkids, then the subject of great grandkids came up. The realization has hit me that my nieces and nephews are at a point where in a few years...they may be having kids of their own. Will I ever have my own kids or find a wife? Quite honestly, I don't know. I love being free and able to do as I please. The idea of having a companion sounds great...but do i need it?? My answer is realistically...in my current situation....No. However, if I ever (and at this point, this is a million miles away) continue on with ministry, I will need one. Which brings me to this...I miss the days where ministry was a passion. I haven't felt a great deal of passion for it in a long time. My greatest times were serving in a youth group or a mission's trip. Seems like the last couple of years though, I've been really struggling. It's been 10 months since I stepped down from youth ministry. I decided to take this whole year off. Not sure I want to go back. My only passions right now are politics and hunting. The dreams I had are fading in my heart and it's hard to see where I'm going.

Over the last year I've been trying to find my place in a church. It seems as if my church family is the people I call my friends, regardless of where I go to church. I may go to a church....but not really know people there. I started attending a church which i really like (Richwoods Christian Church East Campus), and I hope maybe I can connect with people. We'll see what happens. I am thankful for my friends that I have been reconnecting with.
Well, that is it for now....I'm the shell of the man I use to be. We'll see what happens. Until then...

2012: A chapter in my life has ended, and a new one is beginning....

Over the last few months, I've been talking alot about change and new things happening. For the last 4 years, I've been working with Youth United at Riverside Community Church. I have been there through some really awesome Youth Pastors..(Aaron Escamilla, Dave Jane, Corey Blair and Joe Greenwald.) The last few months, and probably even year, I have been unsettled in where I am at in life. Seems like I'm always talking about wanting to move or change things. I'm starting to realize that for change to happen, you need to let go of things and move forward. I know there are things God wishes to work on in my life in preparation for the future. In December, I took the 3 weeks that we didn't have Wednesday night YU, and decided to really seek God about the future and what was next. There have been numerous things just the last 3 weeks that have confirmed for me that it is time to change..time to get ready for the next chapter in my life. So, today, I went in and talked to Pastor Joe and shared with him where I'm at. I have decided that it is time for this chapter of my story at Youth United to come to an end. I really do appreciate all the friends I have made at YU and the leaders I have met. Even though alot of times I was behind the scenes running lights or sound...I enjoyed being there and being apart of a great youth ministry. I am leaving with Pastor Joe's blessing. I pray that God will increase the ministry and his hands will be on Joe and Elizabeth as they lead Youth United into the next era. Hang on kids....it's going to get crazy! If I could say anything to the youth, it would be that you all have potential and you rock! Joe needs you to step up and start owning your youth group. This is your youth group...take it and run with it. Become the Church that God has in mind and watch him do things through you that you wont believe. Most of all...Love God with all your heart and Love each other as yourself. Go big Youth United..or go home! I believe in you..I wanna hear stories. May God be with all of you and may his face shine upon you. It has truly been an honor serving you.
a servant of Christ,
Chris

On the road to becoming a millionare.....or something!

Right now your probably thinking I have lost it. Why on Earth would I want to become a millionare?? Apart from the obvious reasons to have a ton of money and be able to afford what I want right?? I mean, come on, it's the American Dream. Well, believe it or not...it's to prove a point. A point to me and a point to others. If you look at today's economy, the chances of me doing this is probably non existent. For me, it's not about greed. Yes, the Bible says the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. However, I believe the Bible also says this about money: Matthew 25:13-30
13 “Therefore stay alert, because you do not know the day or the hour. 14 For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. 15 To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work270 and gained five more. 17 In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. 18 But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. 19 After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. 20 The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ 21 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ 23 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? 27 Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! 28 Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. 29 For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30 And throw that worthless slave into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
I get the feeling that we are to be good stewards of our money and possessions. I may never make it, but I'm setting it as a goal of mine to do the best with what I have. If I start making money, I plan on helping others get their finances straight. Now, i'm not saying I will pay off their debt for them..but I would help them learn how to save and budget. I believe God calls some to be kings and some to be prophets. I'm not saying i'm a king...but that doesn't mean I have to be poor. Any thoughts on this?

And the rest will follow.....

As I sit here thinking about the upcoming New Year, it's hard to believe 2011 is about to close out. Christmas is about 2 weeks away and i'm not sure what I think about that. This year's Christmas has the possibility to be a good one..but it may not. I've made some changes to my life starting with a budget..and I wish that was going better than it is. Living within your means can be tough..but rewarding. It's always those "uh-oh" moments that get you. My car had to have a $550 repair and I'm still recovering from it. Anyways, things will get better..i've never been so excited about paying off debt. I'm also starting to realize that I'm responsible for most, if not all of my debt. Not the economy, not the bank, not the not having a job for over a year...me. It's that simple. So I've been in alot of thought lately about the future. I wish I know all of the answers..but I don't. One of the things that I've been feeling for quite awhile is that I need to stop for awhile, and just regroup, refocus, and quite simply..reconnect with God. I remember the days of being able to feel God's nudges and leadings. I've been so busy doing..which there's nothing wrong with that. However, there's a time just to stop and sit. I really want to go into the future knowing where my life is heading. I got some ideas and they are big ones. So, as many of you know, I work with the youth at Youth United at Riverside Community Church. I've been doing that for I think over 3 years now. I felt a few weeks ago that one of the things I needed to do was to step back from YU and re-evaluate things. So with that, next wednesday will be the last YU for the year. During the Christmas break I will be praying and seeking direction. I really believe God will show me the way to go. I'm not sure exactly if or when I will be coming back. I just know I need to back away. In the book of Isaiah, it is written: Isaiah 30:21
21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

I have to believe that He will be leading the way, directing my footsteps. I must say, I'm ready for something new. It's been a rough couple of years, and I need some change. So with that...I'm going to seek God.....And the rest will follow......
The Messenjah

Are my best days behind me?

I've been asking myself alot of tough questions lately. The kind of questions that reading a book or quoting a favorite scripture doesn't necessarily answer. This past Sunday at church, Pastor John King challenged the older generation to not give into the mindset that once you reach a certain age and retire, the only thing left to do is die. I've seen people who once they retire, it all goes down hill. Your probably asking yourself...why am I of all people talking about retirement and dying when I'm only 33? That's a really good question.
I've done alot in life already. However, I've recently hit a place that leaves me asking the question...Are my best days behind me? There's alot going on in my life right now. I recently completed all my class work for ISOM(Illinois School of  Ministry), up until the second level. I have an internship still to do as well as all of the interviews and big exam. Now, I know..why would I get this far and start thinking that nothing is going to happen with this? Right now, I feel like I need to be here near my parents to help out with things while my dad is recovering. (Please continue to pray that he does) I do not know how long this will be. It's hard for me to think about moving away with this going on. I feel like I've hit a place where i've done everything I can do where I am at. In order me to do something new, it's going to take me jumping to another level or something.
I'm 33 and i'm not getting any younger. The fountain of youth has not been found and last i checked there's no such thing as reverse aging cream. My point is, all my life, I've had the dream of getting married, having kids, going into ministry, traveling, going on adventures that I know only God could make happen and I feel like that dream is dead or dying. Everytime I try to proceed with my calling, I feel like i take 2 steps back.  I know that ministry is still in my blood. I know this, because I like to dig into the Bible and teach. When I see ministries teaching false and bad doctrine/theology, it makes me boil inside. It's not about me being right, it's more about the church being misrepresented by crazy nut jobs. My heart is for the church. It's for the church to shine and become an agent of change and be all she can be. See, I love the Bible. I want to see it taught right and the truth made known. The word is suppose to be a well spring of life that changes people. My fear is that the church is becoming something that relies more on experiences than Biblical truth. The scary part is that what most people would call real because they "feel" this way or that way, I can get the same feelings from watching the movie "UP." This is heading into another blog I could start to write..so I will head back into where I was going. I don't want to be someone who chases the miraculous and has encounters with the Holy Spirit and feels all tingly inside...but yet doesn't bare the "fruit" of the Holy Spirit. I've heard enough about glory bumps and miracles..If the Holy Spirit isn't changing people into people who display love, joy, peace, self-control, kindness etc..then what's really going on? Wasn't it Paul who said..You can have tongues, PROPHECY, etc..but if not love..hmmm. What was Paul saying?  Anyways, I want to see the real church shine. I guess what I'm saying is, I know what's in me. I know where I've been....but the question is...where am I going? I am wrestling with this. See, I could just throw up a scripture and feel all great...but I'm wrestling with God in all of this. I want to walk away from this knowing that i'm somehow different, somehow at a new place. Jacob wrestled with God and came away with a new name. I'm wrestling and don't intend on looking the same when i'm done. However, I'm not sure what's ahead.