It's 4:00 in the A.M....Why Am I awake????

So, I woke up this morning at 3:30 or so, and I have no clue why I am awake. I've got alot on my mind, and quite honestly, it's both frightening and exciting. I've been feeling awhile now that things are going to be changing soon. Somehow and this is scary, I am starting to relate my life to the show Lost. I think in alot of ways, my life reminds me of some of the characters who had some bad experiences in life, or did things that they were not proud of, and are almost given a new start. I know my life isn't as complex as some of their's but I feel like i've been given another go at it. On that island, characters had to face their fears, face their past, and deal with things. Have you ever had a scar or maybe a bruise or cut or something that you thought was going away? Your sitting there, then all of a sudden someone comes up and takes their finger and just puts in right in the middle of that bruise?? All of a sudden you start to scream out in pain and your going What the ?!?! I thought that it was better. I'm starting to realize that sometimes God does that to us to remind us that we are hurt. We get so use to the pain, that we begin to live with it, forgetting that it's there. We'd almost rather tolerate the pain, than deal with the actual problem. We build up a tolerance to it, till one day we think we are over it, and then Wham! Something rubs us the wrong way, or reminds us of that initial pain. Then you start to ask yourself...Why do i act like this? Why am i upset at this, where is this coming from??!?
"I thought i was over this." Then you lift up your shirt or jeans or whatever and realize there's still a big gaping cut, still bleeding. Maybe it's a broken bone that never healed right. When I was in 4th grade i broke my wrist, running backwards in gym. While in the cast, somehow i rebroke my wrist, and it never healed right.
For a long time, my wrist would still hurt from where it never healed right. God actually healed my wrist a few years ago, it doesn't hurt anymore. Thing is, i'm not as strong in my left wrist as i am my right. My point in this is that we are all broken people, who have hurt, hangups, fears, etc. For me, instead of letting them control my life, i'm choosing to deal with them. This means, finding the source of pain, allowing God to put his finger in the wound, showing me that it's even there. Sometimes we don't even know we are hurt till this happens.
The hardest part is facing the source. Alot of what i have dealt with has affected how i relate to people, how i am in social situations. As someone who is wanting to go into ministry, I have to deal with this, otherwise, I wont be able to be used to the ability I could be. John 10:10 says: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." The good news is that we don't have to live with the pain. God came to bring life to those areas which are dead or hurting. I look at my own life, and one thing i've decided is that I want this life that is more abundant. The message i keep hearing in my heart is that God can change your life now. It's not just about eternity, it's about life now. Yeah, there's a prize in the sky, but we still have to live life now. What good is a message that only promises eternal life? Granted, that's a big promise, but most religions promise that. However, a message that can change your life now, and give you eternal life....that's worth living for! Another honest look at my life, and where it is going.
Merry Christmas to All!

Dropping the pounds!

Ok, so a few months ago, i started excercising and doing pushups and pullups. I went and bought these workout things called the perfect pushup, and the perfect pullup. Instantly i started noticing that my body was changing shape. I started getting toner in my shoulders and chest area. Well, it's been a few months, and I have lost 30 lbs. There are several reason's i'm dropping weight. I'm doing it for self confidence. I'm doing it because if i don't, i may end up diabetic. I'm doing it to better myself. I've noticed a difference in my confidence while doing this. I haven't been lethargic as much. Thing is, if you are reading this, I need your help. Please, ask me how i'm doing on this. My goal is to drop to around 225 pounds. Right now, i'm at 280. By the end of this, I will have dropped 85 lbs. I only have 55 to go. I need people to tell me to keep up the work, to ask me where i'm at. Several of you have commented on me losing weight, I appreciate it. Please tell me if you notice, heck tell me if you don't notice. Being overweight has taken it's toll on me over the years. I have had bad self esteem, no confidence, and just really disgusted with myself. I realize that looks aren't everything, but they do play with a person's mental state. I also think that we invite all these problems into are lives when we don't take care of ourselves. It's no one else's felt that i'm overweight. I don't want to live like this anymore. I choose to live like this, and with God's and everyone else's help, i'm getting out of this situation. Just wanted to share this with you all.

From the desert to who knows what-an in depth look at the last 10 months of my life

So, 10 months ago I lost my job. I've gone through a severe time of breaking these past few months. To be quite literal, it has been hell emotionally. There's been times, where i've sat in my room, depressed, angry, fearful, not knowing of what was to come of me. There's been times where quite honestly, I prayed to God to end my life. I was involved in ministry, and I think at one point, I began to not care. I tried to look like I had it all together, and in reality, I was broken. I began to doubt God, my friends, and everything. I started asking myself, if God is in control then why is all this happening. Why is my life a wreck. The truth is for years, i've been broken. I just came to the point where God finally stuck his finger in the wounds and said...let me in. Let me in to fix the hurts. For years, I ignored my pain. I was a big guy, big guys are tough.  We are built for beatings, and pain right??? That's what i thought. I thought i deserved to be beaten emotionally. I thought I was good for nothing. If you really want to know where i've been, this blog is going to tell you. I'm writing this from the heart. Even as i sit here typing, I can't help but tear up, just because I know where i've been. I thought that I was worthless. I had people who would tell me otherwise, but regardless of what people said, I didn't believe them. I thought that i was beneath everyone else. I thought other people were the problem, and in reality, I was hurt, I was the problem. I've had to forgive several people, including myself. I believe i'm starting to realize that everybody is broken to some degree. How many times, when we deal with people, are we dealing with their hurts and not really them? How many times is it their pain speaking? We think they are upset, or mad at us. In truth, everybody is hurt to some degree. Which going through this time has given me a greater patience with people, because i realize what I've put people through. Alot of times, when people have seen me, they haven't seen me, they've seen the result of pain, fear, anger, and rejection. These things eat away at you, and destroy you. So 10 months ago, I lost my job, and this just sent all my fears into a whirlwind. "God what are you doing???"  Honestly, it's a good thing i hadn't found a job. I'm not sure I could of maintained it while going through this stuff. See the good news of the Gospel isn't just that God came to give us eternal life. That is huge, but he also came to fix broken lives. I'm not saying i'm totally through this, but I am going through it. God is fixing me. He's making me into the person he created me to be. One way, I found myself again, was to go on a mission's trip to England. I got out of my comfort zone and served people I didn't know. Also, over the last several months i've been taking courses to become a minister. I'm almost through my first stage. It will be a year since i got laid off, when i get my certification. A whole year later, and life is starting to look different. I can honestly say, that for the last few months, i've been feeling like changes were coming to my life. I hadn't known what and i'm still not sure what, but I know that I wont be in this place much longer. I couldn't see this 10 months ago, but now..the picture looks very different. God had to break me, he had to get me to let him in, and it's not been easy. However, it has been worth it. My place is in God's hands no matter what. My goal is for God to do above and beyone anything I could hope or imagine. I don't expect anything less, because I dare to believe that God can do it. Who knows where this is going to lead, but it's going to be EPIC!