From the desert to who knows what-an in depth look at the last 10 months of my life

So, 10 months ago I lost my job. I've gone through a severe time of breaking these past few months. To be quite literal, it has been hell emotionally. There's been times, where i've sat in my room, depressed, angry, fearful, not knowing of what was to come of me. There's been times where quite honestly, I prayed to God to end my life. I was involved in ministry, and I think at one point, I began to not care. I tried to look like I had it all together, and in reality, I was broken. I began to doubt God, my friends, and everything. I started asking myself, if God is in control then why is all this happening. Why is my life a wreck. The truth is for years, i've been broken. I just came to the point where God finally stuck his finger in the wounds and said...let me in. Let me in to fix the hurts. For years, I ignored my pain. I was a big guy, big guys are tough.  We are built for beatings, and pain right??? That's what i thought. I thought i deserved to be beaten emotionally. I thought I was good for nothing. If you really want to know where i've been, this blog is going to tell you. I'm writing this from the heart. Even as i sit here typing, I can't help but tear up, just because I know where i've been. I thought that I was worthless. I had people who would tell me otherwise, but regardless of what people said, I didn't believe them. I thought that i was beneath everyone else. I thought other people were the problem, and in reality, I was hurt, I was the problem. I've had to forgive several people, including myself. I believe i'm starting to realize that everybody is broken to some degree. How many times, when we deal with people, are we dealing with their hurts and not really them? How many times is it their pain speaking? We think they are upset, or mad at us. In truth, everybody is hurt to some degree. Which going through this time has given me a greater patience with people, because i realize what I've put people through. Alot of times, when people have seen me, they haven't seen me, they've seen the result of pain, fear, anger, and rejection. These things eat away at you, and destroy you. So 10 months ago, I lost my job, and this just sent all my fears into a whirlwind. "God what are you doing???"  Honestly, it's a good thing i hadn't found a job. I'm not sure I could of maintained it while going through this stuff. See the good news of the Gospel isn't just that God came to give us eternal life. That is huge, but he also came to fix broken lives. I'm not saying i'm totally through this, but I am going through it. God is fixing me. He's making me into the person he created me to be. One way, I found myself again, was to go on a mission's trip to England. I got out of my comfort zone and served people I didn't know. Also, over the last several months i've been taking courses to become a minister. I'm almost through my first stage. It will be a year since i got laid off, when i get my certification. A whole year later, and life is starting to look different. I can honestly say, that for the last few months, i've been feeling like changes were coming to my life. I hadn't known what and i'm still not sure what, but I know that I wont be in this place much longer. I couldn't see this 10 months ago, but now..the picture looks very different. God had to break me, he had to get me to let him in, and it's not been easy. However, it has been worth it. My place is in God's hands no matter what. My goal is for God to do above and beyone anything I could hope or imagine. I don't expect anything less, because I dare to believe that God can do it. Who knows where this is going to lead, but it's going to be EPIC!