It's 4:00 in the A.M....Why Am I awake????

So, I woke up this morning at 3:30 or so, and I have no clue why I am awake. I've got alot on my mind, and quite honestly, it's both frightening and exciting. I've been feeling awhile now that things are going to be changing soon. Somehow and this is scary, I am starting to relate my life to the show Lost. I think in alot of ways, my life reminds me of some of the characters who had some bad experiences in life, or did things that they were not proud of, and are almost given a new start. I know my life isn't as complex as some of their's but I feel like i've been given another go at it. On that island, characters had to face their fears, face their past, and deal with things. Have you ever had a scar or maybe a bruise or cut or something that you thought was going away? Your sitting there, then all of a sudden someone comes up and takes their finger and just puts in right in the middle of that bruise?? All of a sudden you start to scream out in pain and your going What the ?!?! I thought that it was better. I'm starting to realize that sometimes God does that to us to remind us that we are hurt. We get so use to the pain, that we begin to live with it, forgetting that it's there. We'd almost rather tolerate the pain, than deal with the actual problem. We build up a tolerance to it, till one day we think we are over it, and then Wham! Something rubs us the wrong way, or reminds us of that initial pain. Then you start to ask yourself...Why do i act like this? Why am i upset at this, where is this coming from??!?
"I thought i was over this." Then you lift up your shirt or jeans or whatever and realize there's still a big gaping cut, still bleeding. Maybe it's a broken bone that never healed right. When I was in 4th grade i broke my wrist, running backwards in gym. While in the cast, somehow i rebroke my wrist, and it never healed right.
For a long time, my wrist would still hurt from where it never healed right. God actually healed my wrist a few years ago, it doesn't hurt anymore. Thing is, i'm not as strong in my left wrist as i am my right. My point in this is that we are all broken people, who have hurt, hangups, fears, etc. For me, instead of letting them control my life, i'm choosing to deal with them. This means, finding the source of pain, allowing God to put his finger in the wound, showing me that it's even there. Sometimes we don't even know we are hurt till this happens.
The hardest part is facing the source. Alot of what i have dealt with has affected how i relate to people, how i am in social situations. As someone who is wanting to go into ministry, I have to deal with this, otherwise, I wont be able to be used to the ability I could be. John 10:10 says: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." The good news is that we don't have to live with the pain. God came to bring life to those areas which are dead or hurting. I look at my own life, and one thing i've decided is that I want this life that is more abundant. The message i keep hearing in my heart is that God can change your life now. It's not just about eternity, it's about life now. Yeah, there's a prize in the sky, but we still have to live life now. What good is a message that only promises eternal life? Granted, that's a big promise, but most religions promise that. However, a message that can change your life now, and give you eternal life....that's worth living for! Another honest look at my life, and where it is going.
Merry Christmas to All!

Dropping the pounds!

Ok, so a few months ago, i started excercising and doing pushups and pullups. I went and bought these workout things called the perfect pushup, and the perfect pullup. Instantly i started noticing that my body was changing shape. I started getting toner in my shoulders and chest area. Well, it's been a few months, and I have lost 30 lbs. There are several reason's i'm dropping weight. I'm doing it for self confidence. I'm doing it because if i don't, i may end up diabetic. I'm doing it to better myself. I've noticed a difference in my confidence while doing this. I haven't been lethargic as much. Thing is, if you are reading this, I need your help. Please, ask me how i'm doing on this. My goal is to drop to around 225 pounds. Right now, i'm at 280. By the end of this, I will have dropped 85 lbs. I only have 55 to go. I need people to tell me to keep up the work, to ask me where i'm at. Several of you have commented on me losing weight, I appreciate it. Please tell me if you notice, heck tell me if you don't notice. Being overweight has taken it's toll on me over the years. I have had bad self esteem, no confidence, and just really disgusted with myself. I realize that looks aren't everything, but they do play with a person's mental state. I also think that we invite all these problems into are lives when we don't take care of ourselves. It's no one else's felt that i'm overweight. I don't want to live like this anymore. I choose to live like this, and with God's and everyone else's help, i'm getting out of this situation. Just wanted to share this with you all.

From the desert to who knows what-an in depth look at the last 10 months of my life

So, 10 months ago I lost my job. I've gone through a severe time of breaking these past few months. To be quite literal, it has been hell emotionally. There's been times, where i've sat in my room, depressed, angry, fearful, not knowing of what was to come of me. There's been times where quite honestly, I prayed to God to end my life. I was involved in ministry, and I think at one point, I began to not care. I tried to look like I had it all together, and in reality, I was broken. I began to doubt God, my friends, and everything. I started asking myself, if God is in control then why is all this happening. Why is my life a wreck. The truth is for years, i've been broken. I just came to the point where God finally stuck his finger in the wounds and said...let me in. Let me in to fix the hurts. For years, I ignored my pain. I was a big guy, big guys are tough.  We are built for beatings, and pain right??? That's what i thought. I thought i deserved to be beaten emotionally. I thought I was good for nothing. If you really want to know where i've been, this blog is going to tell you. I'm writing this from the heart. Even as i sit here typing, I can't help but tear up, just because I know where i've been. I thought that I was worthless. I had people who would tell me otherwise, but regardless of what people said, I didn't believe them. I thought that i was beneath everyone else. I thought other people were the problem, and in reality, I was hurt, I was the problem. I've had to forgive several people, including myself. I believe i'm starting to realize that everybody is broken to some degree. How many times, when we deal with people, are we dealing with their hurts and not really them? How many times is it their pain speaking? We think they are upset, or mad at us. In truth, everybody is hurt to some degree. Which going through this time has given me a greater patience with people, because i realize what I've put people through. Alot of times, when people have seen me, they haven't seen me, they've seen the result of pain, fear, anger, and rejection. These things eat away at you, and destroy you. So 10 months ago, I lost my job, and this just sent all my fears into a whirlwind. "God what are you doing???"  Honestly, it's a good thing i hadn't found a job. I'm not sure I could of maintained it while going through this stuff. See the good news of the Gospel isn't just that God came to give us eternal life. That is huge, but he also came to fix broken lives. I'm not saying i'm totally through this, but I am going through it. God is fixing me. He's making me into the person he created me to be. One way, I found myself again, was to go on a mission's trip to England. I got out of my comfort zone and served people I didn't know. Also, over the last several months i've been taking courses to become a minister. I'm almost through my first stage. It will be a year since i got laid off, when i get my certification. A whole year later, and life is starting to look different. I can honestly say, that for the last few months, i've been feeling like changes were coming to my life. I hadn't known what and i'm still not sure what, but I know that I wont be in this place much longer. I couldn't see this 10 months ago, but now..the picture looks very different. God had to break me, he had to get me to let him in, and it's not been easy. However, it has been worth it. My place is in God's hands no matter what. My goal is for God to do above and beyone anything I could hope or imagine. I don't expect anything less, because I dare to believe that God can do it. Who knows where this is going to lead, but it's going to be EPIC!

From Glory clouds to WWJD braclets..... June 10th, 2009

18 years ago, I became a blood bought, holy rolling, sanctified and redeemed Child of the living God, who has saved me from the Pit of Hell and taken me from Glory to Glory, and all that other christianese lingo that seems to really desensitize what Christ really did. Here's my story, and some of you may not like what i'm about to say...some may give me a big "Glory Hallelujah, Praise Be to Jesus" after this. This is just things i'm noticing and where i'm at in this journey of mine. It all started 18 years ago, when i prayed what is called the "sinner's prayer". Someone lead me in a prayer admitting that i am a sinner and that I need God to forgive me, and become a child of God. So i then started reading books, going to church services, and finding new friends and doing like most of us do..seperating ourselves from the world. I began to really notice the call of God on my life. I noticed something though, and i'm not saying this arrogantly...this calling wasn't small, for some reason, I knew and still believe that it's bigger than I can imagine. For years, i read books on Chasing God, praying to God, living according to the spirit, and dreaming dreams. I went through the phase of man..I just gotta be in God's presence. You know...where you stay at the church services till well after the service is over. Where you go to prayer meetings and Chase God like never before. I had my WWJD bracelets, my christian 91.5 WCIC bumper sticker, had my 7 christian T-shirts to wear to school everyday just so i could be a witness. I even carried my bible..just to prove I wasn't ashamed. I even stood up in classes and did speeches why abortion is wrong. After high school, I started college and never finished. I kept involved in a college group. However, my heart was youth ministry, and i kept in that as well. I guess what i'm saying is...if it was the "christian" thing to do...I did it. I've prayed against abortion and homosexuality. I've read the purpose driven life and been filled with the holy spirit several times. I've even gone on mission's trips. I've prayed to get prayer back in school...I mean we are after all a Christian nation right? God after all wants us to have a Christian School, and a christian business, basically be this nice Utopia of a Christian community where everything is...Perfect for us right? I mean...then life would be grand and so much easier. Having laws that support the christian faith and allowing us to be free. What could ever be wrong with this? It does sound grand. This is where i'm going to burst some bubbles. Here's my thought's on all of this. Before people start crucifying me, I don't agree with Abortion, I don't agree with homosexuality and most liberal movements. I do own a gun, I do hunt, and I love my freedom. So most of the right wingers out there...don't worry, I haven't lost it. Most of what i just described is just about every christian's experience. Have you ever been doing something for so long, and everything you were doing was right...but something was still missing? See, this is where i'm at. If you keep up alot on statistics and the amount of people leaving church, you would think there's something wrong in the church. Granted, i'm not saying there isn't. Over the last several years, there's been a steady flow of people leaving the church. Alot of people are upset by this, and scared that there's a big falling away that is happening. I've heard that within several years, only 4% of the nation could be considered Christian. Here's just a thought....how many of us have ever done something because it was the "in" thing to do? How many of us have done things because it was expected of us to do it? 50 years ago, it could probably be said that it was expected for most people to go to church, to have a bible on their family table and for the most part be outstanding "christian" people in society. I mean, after all, most of the people that signed the Declaration of Independence where considered Christians. It was the "in" thing to do. Thing about this is, after time, you stop following the in crowd and do things that really matter to you. With that, I guess what i'm saying is, after time, people got tired of following rules and expectations and just stopped going to church. I guess the question i'm asking is...did people really fall away...or did they just stop pretending? I'm not one of those people that says if you leave the church you were never saved, but I do know something about a term called Fad's or phases..eventually..people drop them. Society changed, that's what happens when your just fitting in. Eventually you stop. We had a Christian nation, with Christian rules, with Christian expectations. I've been giving this alot of thought, and what some would call the church going down the tube, i call..God pruning his church. See, I think what happened is, people lived by rules and thought that they were earning God's favor because maybe they didn't have a business open on Sunday, or they went to church on Sunday's, but they missed out on the most important part...a relationship, something real. Here's just a crazy thought, but perhaps all the law's and tribulations that the government and media are giving Christians today isn't necessarily a bad thing. For too long, the church has been comfortable. The church has been all about being a social community or Utopia which Pastor Chris Spicer calls it in his book the 8 characteristics of highly effective Christians. How do you seperate the real from the fake? How do you grow? Is it by staying in this place of utopia or actually having to learn things the hard way..by going through them. I personally believe the days of the Utopia are gone. We can pray against abortion, homosexuality,etc, but if we pray that it becomes illegal...won't we just be going backwards? I mean, do we really want people to do the christian thing, because it's what's expected or because they want to? The church in Acts was born out of persecution and trials. They were the real people of god.


If God truly is coming for a pure and spotless bride...I think it's going to come through hardships and persecution...not a Christian utopia of people just waiting for the Glory land.

After 18 years of following Christ, I've realized that being like him, means going through what he goes through. Christ dealt with these same utopians..they were the religious people of his day. I ask you and myself, are we playing it safe with our Christian society, or are we really wanting to be like Christ? Just food for thought here...but when Jesus met the lady at the well, she didn't need another law telling her not to have affairs or sleep with people...that was only a symptom of a greater need in her life. Laws will never fix the real issues. Maybe we should focus more on fixing the real issues than trying to make symptoms illegal.

Eye for and eye, and a tooth for a tooth? Really??? July 7th, 2009

You ever had one of those times where your reading something and you've read it 100 times before and for once, something new sticks out? I had one of those times tonight at a bible study. Matthew chapter 5 vs 38-42 talks about retaliation. I don't know about all of you, but for the most part, whenever i read this part I always thought that it was coming from the viewpoint that we are the victims. You know, like we were being persecuted or something. That basically, if someone just comes up and for no apparent reason we are suppose to let them strike us, take something, etc. For some reason tonight, I wasn't happy with the answers i was hearing or with my theology. What i'm about to say might shock some of you or even cause you to think i'm losing it but here me out. I DO NOT think that this verse has anything to do with persecution. In fact, the word is in no shape mentioned in this section of scripture. In fact, the portion of scripture that Jesus is referring to is found in Exodus chapter 21:24 and goes till chapter 22:15. What's enteresting to note is, that this portion of scripture is dealing with what happens when you, your livestock, or any other thing that might belong to you injures, kills, or does anything harmful to someone else. Back then, it was, if YOUR ox gores another person, the ox dies. If YOU poke someones eyes out, YOU lose an eye and so on. I've read this from the view point that i am the victim and i'm just suppose to let it happen. I don't think this is what Jesus was saying. I think what Jesus was saying is this...If someone slaps you...(they have a reason to slap you, we've probably offended them somehow or done something to deserve it like slapped them first...why else would they slap you???) don't just let them slap you back, but pay them restitution..let them do it twice. If someone is suing you...they have a reason, we've done something wrong, guess what..don't just give them what you stole or took to begin with, give them something more to show them your really sorry. If you are forced to walk a mile, walk two...Ok for starters, why would you be forced to walk with someone unless you did something to be forced to? Maybe in todays day and age, your car somehow wrecked their car and they no longer have transportation...don't just pay to have their car fixed, but offer to drive them places till their car gets fixed. It's dealing with what to do when we've wronged people. Think about it, we always command Satan to give us back 7 fold when he steals something...why shouldn't we give back more than what we took, damaged, etc when we do something wrong to someone else. The world would meet bare minimum...Christ says....go above and beyond...just food for thought...

Someone asked me the other day..... June 19, 2009

If i could do anything in the world what would I do? My quick response was why I'd be a youth pastor of course. Two days later i find myself asking myself that question again. This time, i'm really thinking about it. Full time ministry is one of those things that you don't do unless you know your called. You don't just wake up one day and say..I want to be a youth minister. To be honest, I'm not sure that if i wasn't called, I would want to do ministry. It's not simple ho-hum stuff. You give of your time, energy, and alot of time sacrifice your own family. I guess what i find myself asking myself is..do you really want to do this?


I've traveled quite a bit in the last few years. I've been half way around the world. I've been to 25 different states. I've seen mountains, oceans, bears, lions, and chased by an elephant in Africa. I've even had a french stewardess sit on my lap...don't ask! One thing that really gets me is the site of a range of mountains in the distance with some lake or river near by. I like the sounds of a roaring rapid.

It's my desire to able to enjoy God's creation. That's where i feel most free. It's great to be busy, it's great to have alot to do. I ask myself though...where is your heart? Is my heart on finding a job? Is it on finding a wife? Is it on being on my own? Is it so wrapped up in making other people try to like you? Is it trying to please others? To all of this i say..yes. The heart is a vital ingredient to life. I'm again realizing that the heart is the center to all of this. How many times, have i found myself running on E, doing things because it's the right thing to do, but find myself saying...Is this it? IS THIS REALLY ALL LIFE IS? How many times, do we run from church service to church service getting our weekly fill? Why is it that we find ourselves always wanting a vacation, and dread coming back to our lives? I'm asking myself this right now. Vacations are great, but is my life so bad that i dread coming back to it??? What is wrong with this? If you read my posts, then you know that i always talk about wanting to get out of here, and leave. A change in location wouldn't change this state of the heart. There has got to be more to life than what i'm seeing. I'm not a big Risk fan...I hate taking them. However, it is one of my favorite games to play. Without Risk, I will not gain much. Without pressure, I will not grow. Life has been sucked out of my heart. I fear many things. I think why i like the wild west and places like Colorado and Alaska are, it's because it can be dangerous. Alaska.....Grizzly bears run around up there. Wild animals are everywhere. Colorado is amazingly beautiful. I think the adventure brings me back to life. Some things scare me half to death. I think the biggest fear isn't getting swallowed by a whale, or eaten by a bear or lion. It's living life without experiencing everything. Love and adventure are scary things at times...I fear i may miss them both.

Onion Peels June 23, 2009

You know, I've been writing alot of notes lately. One day, they may form into a book somewhere.


You know with onions, you have to cut through several layers of peelings to get to the center. Alot of times on the outside is alot of dead skin or just junk that isn't really good. I like onions just about on everything. I have been doing alot of self evaluation lately. I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I've been hiding behind alot of masks or peels. Lately, it seems i've been trying to act like I have it all together and that I am cool, calm, and collected. Other times, I may act busy just to look like i'm doing something so i don't have to talk to people. Then there are times, I don't know what i'm doing, so i don't do much. What is the reasoning for all of this? Somewhere in my past, I felt like I wasn't good enough, or i had to perform to fit in. I always wanted to be apart of something, so I would do what ever was status quo. I've been a jock, a cowboy, tried to dress the part of a skateboarder/grunge type of person but i could never skateboard...I was a poser. Never was into the hip hop rap scene...just wasn't my thing. Somewhere in the midst of this, I covered me up. To be honest, I'm a little afraid to peel back the onion to see what's really there? Is there anything there? I've been asking myself Just who is this person? I've tried to act strong, but where do you get true strength from? See, you can body build your whole life, but still be weak. You can be rich, but still not be happy. I'm realizing that with my friendships I need to start digging deeper than just the first layers. However, I'm starting to realize I have to stop pretending. It's ok, that I'm going through things. It's ok to be going through hangups, it's part of life. I've let the layers of insecurities, fears, and worries pretty much obsess me, and practically paralyze me. This strength and character can only be unleashed by God, because that's where it all begins. I thought i had to have it all together. God is shaking everything fake in my life and trying to pull me out of this miry clay. He's showing me that I've yet to fully see the real me. I've had alot of people who have been very helpful and supportive. I owe you more than i could ever give. I'm starting to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm done pretending. I'm on the search for some guys who want to be real, raw, untamed, and who can get past the spirtual mumbo jumbo of making it look like we are all ok. I've learned that it's most likely a coverup, and we are to ashamed to admit that we struggle with things. That we may not be man enough for some things. I've been to bible studies, and groups, but what i'm wanting now is a band of brothers. A place where i can say, look, i'm dealing with (place hangup here) and it's really been beating me up lately. A place where you have a purpose other than looking spiritual, and if you aren't using a bible verse in your sentence, you are looked at strange. Where the term brother is not just a cute christian cliche, but something deeper.

This is my story, and i'm sticking to it.

Epic Journey-The Beginning

So this is my first blog of my Epic Journey. I'm already in the middle of the journey with quite aways to go. If you know anything about me, I love to travel. Just last week I was in England and had an awesome time. I've been all over the place, including England, South Africa, Canada, Mexico, Alaska, and 25 other states in the U.S. This desire to travel is fueled by a desire to adventure out into the unknown. To boldly go where....Oh sorry, just got done watching the new Star Trek. It's a great show. I am finding that at least in my life that I crave new things. I get tired of the norm really quick. I think that's what bothers me about living in Illinois...it's boring. I've lived here 32 years of my life....wait..that's my whole life. Get what i'm saying??  I think life tends to take away the desire to face challenges and just take what is given to us as if this is as good as it's going to get. I can't live like that. As many of you know, i love movies like Lord of the Rings, Braveheart, Chronicles of Narnia etc. I think the reason i like them is that in each of these movies, they all realize that if they don't fight for what is right, what is true and what is good, then they will die. I think even as Christians we get to the point where we just take what is handed to us. Christ never said it was going to be easy. There's an adventure that we all need to take. You might be there sitting right now, your heart is beating as you know what i'm talking about. It's gripped you and caused you great turmoil. It's the kind of thing you know you have to do, but something is stopping you. What if i fail? What will they think? Will i make it? What if they see the real me? What if  after what if? Here's another way to look at it...what if you don't? What if you stay where your at? What if you never deal with it? What if you hide yourself and don't get hurt anymore? Are you truly alive then? Is this really what you want life to be? Trust is a big thing for me. As i learned on this trip in England, it all boils down to trust. Will God hurt you? He will allow you to be hurt, if it means you will grow. However, he never leaves you hurt. He's had to come close, put his finger in a scar or two and cause me to see that i'm hurt. He didn't do it to hurt me, he did it to show me that i am hurt and he wants to heal it. We all have these scars, and the scars bring messages. What message does your scar bring?The scars message isn't the end of the story. There's a bigger picture to this Epic Journey. One thing i ask myself is....are you going to fight or die?