You know, I've been writing alot of notes lately. One day, they may form into a book somewhere.
You know with onions, you have to cut through several layers of peelings to get to the center. Alot of times on the outside is alot of dead skin or just junk that isn't really good. I like onions just about on everything. I have been doing alot of self evaluation lately. I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I've been hiding behind alot of masks or peels. Lately, it seems i've been trying to act like I have it all together and that I am cool, calm, and collected. Other times, I may act busy just to look like i'm doing something so i don't have to talk to people. Then there are times, I don't know what i'm doing, so i don't do much. What is the reasoning for all of this? Somewhere in my past, I felt like I wasn't good enough, or i had to perform to fit in. I always wanted to be apart of something, so I would do what ever was status quo. I've been a jock, a cowboy, tried to dress the part of a skateboarder/grunge type of person but i could never skateboard...I was a poser. Never was into the hip hop rap scene...just wasn't my thing. Somewhere in the midst of this, I covered me up. To be honest, I'm a little afraid to peel back the onion to see what's really there? Is there anything there? I've been asking myself Just who is this person? I've tried to act strong, but where do you get true strength from? See, you can body build your whole life, but still be weak. You can be rich, but still not be happy. I'm realizing that with my friendships I need to start digging deeper than just the first layers. However, I'm starting to realize I have to stop pretending. It's ok, that I'm going through things. It's ok to be going through hangups, it's part of life. I've let the layers of insecurities, fears, and worries pretty much obsess me, and practically paralyze me. This strength and character can only be unleashed by God, because that's where it all begins. I thought i had to have it all together. God is shaking everything fake in my life and trying to pull me out of this miry clay. He's showing me that I've yet to fully see the real me. I've had alot of people who have been very helpful and supportive. I owe you more than i could ever give. I'm starting to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm done pretending. I'm on the search for some guys who want to be real, raw, untamed, and who can get past the spirtual mumbo jumbo of making it look like we are all ok. I've learned that it's most likely a coverup, and we are to ashamed to admit that we struggle with things. That we may not be man enough for some things. I've been to bible studies, and groups, but what i'm wanting now is a band of brothers. A place where i can say, look, i'm dealing with (place hangup here) and it's really been beating me up lately. A place where you have a purpose other than looking spiritual, and if you aren't using a bible verse in your sentence, you are looked at strange. Where the term brother is not just a cute christian cliche, but something deeper.
This is my story, and i'm sticking to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment